The Sadness of Christmas

                              Christmas approaches this year 

                                   as it does every year

                               Evergreen trees stood soldier straight on display;

                                   hoping for a home.

                               Store windows decorated with the latest Christmas

                                    fashions; toys waiting to be wrapped as that

                                     holiday surprise.

                                Parents stood with excited children who were

                                      waiting to tell Santa their most secret wish;

                                      as the snow begins to start softly drifting down,

                                God had His angels shaking their shifters,

                                        like sugar, sweet from above.

                                 But her heart had a crack this year,

                                         no joy could be felt;

                                 It's beat was slower and sadder;

                                 Her Christmas would be without him this year.

                                 But she hid her quivering lip behind a painted on smile

                                 She brightened up her puffy eyes with the

                                           Christmas glitter of gold

                                  But you see, they're tired, so tired,

                                           her heart and eyes slowly close,

                                           seeing only him.

Thanksgiving, 2019

Well another Thanksgiving has come and gone.  As usual, George and I were alone again.  Since our divorce in August, he just can't stop calling me "his wife"; and it doesn't matter how many times I remind him.

He's not a bad guy...just isn't for me.  I need someone who believes that romance is still alive and it's natural for him to treat me romantically.  He never learned the art of romance and he was never in love with me.

Another Christmas; a different location

Christmas time is here again and the ghosts of my Christmas's past are back again to nip at me.

It seems like I can't remember the last time I was happy at Christmas.  Oh, I put on a good mask so no one knew; but my heart knew.  And now this Christmas, I am divorced again.  Guess not lucky in love or cards.

There won't be much under the tree again this year; but George is starting at a new Lowe's location right after Thanksgiving; with a nice pay raise...so he will be happy.

My search goes on for a work from home job; been searching since August and I haven't found anything yet.

I've written my second book, which will be ready for the publisher before Christmas...then I have to figure out how I'm going to pay for it.  Such a great story, too.  Well I will keep praying for the funding.

So Merry Christmas, 2019...

I'm drowning

The weather today reflects the mood of my heart and soul.  Autumn has arrived with cool, crisp air, the changing color of the leaves. the sun setting so early...too early.

This darkness...my lonely, bruised heart are one and the same.

My divorce not even a month old....and the man I never stopped loving has been dead for over 2 years; and my heart aches for him, breaks for him...knowing I was the one who made the mistake of leaving him.  Yet I am so happy that he found another woman to love for the last years of his life.

Now I feel like the goldfish that was dropped out of the fish bowl, and I'm suffocating for air, I'm drowning in my tears.  

Will I ever be loved again the way I once was?

Christmas 2018

The unhappiness that surrounds me this holiday season almost scares me.  I have had many Christmases that haven't been the best; but never one where this cloud of darkness just hoovers over me like the eye of a tornado.

It's quiet right now; but at any moment I can be swept up inside the turbulence, the unending crying will begin; loneliness so deep; a loneliness like I have never felt before.  Just realizing that I will be divorcing sometime after the first of the year crushes me.  

But, I can't take the fighting, yelling; cruelty; deliberate insults anymore.  I can't take the endless nights of sitting across from each other and not speaking a word...or if I do; I'm told I'm holding a monologue.  I can't take his indifference anymore....staring at the TV as I try to engage some type of conversation.

His frustration is due to his cut in pay that he took when Lowes hired him.  But he got himself fired from almost 20 years at Home Depot for being arrogant enough to think that he was indispensable; and decided to use the company computer to print out porn.  And; he did it for over 5 years before being caught, but he was; on April 6, 2015...the day the world ended as I knew it.  Funny thing is; he is not sorry for what he did; only for getting caught.

We had to move this year; Valentine's day, 2018....higher rent; bills he has fallen behind on and all of it get taken out on me...somehow made to be my fault.  Then, about 6 weeks after we moved in, he went back over to the old place and tried to proposition the woman next door to give him a blow job....he cheated on me.  It doesn't matter that she was horrified, called the landlord and the cops; getting him banned forever from that property.

My own health has suffered because of this; physically and emotionally.  Some of the demons that I had successfully conquered years ago have taken up residence in my head again.  I won't get into the particulars; but one of my doctors told me to never expect to hold a job outside the home again.

So, here I am at 66 years old; with a limited monthly income; not enough to leave; impossible to be financially independent; wanting a divorce; and if that happens; I will have to remain living here...and it will kill me.

It's Only A Dream

But It's Only A Dream

So quick, so unexpected, asleep forever, never to open your

blue eyes again

Shock, disbelief, my mind can't accept it

Your voice us fading from my memory...

But grief washes over me like an endless waterfall;

draws me unconscious…into a sleep

I don't welcome.

Darkness, darkness like the darkness of your death

surrounds me.  A light, a light in the distance;

glowing; and your smile pulls me in...

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

You take my hand, holding it the way we used to;

bringing my dream "to life"

Familiar places, a town once known; the town where we met;

we are standing at the stairs of the church where we

two became one.

The apartment once shared, where he held me so close;

so tight like many years ago.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

I felt the warmth of his body drowned myself in the scent of

his neck as I nestled my head there, like so many years ago;

when love was new, love was real, love was ours;

love I let go

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

My face is wet with tears as I softly tell him "I'm sorry, so sorry I left"...

my heart was pulling me one way, my fear was pulling me away;

too young to believe in my heart, so fear won and pulled me

away.

You kissed the tears from my face, telling me there was no sorry;

only love that never ended.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

The old neighborhood, oddly quiet, is where we found ourselves...

trees in full bloom, the sun so warm; hands holding each

other's tight, then arms wrapping around waists,

not letting an inch between us.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

His kisses are warm; passionate, soft; our lips sweet,

our hunger strong  for each other; so strong for each other...

like it had been so many years ago; our bodies becoming

one; loving with a passion that is now only a memory for me.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

The words "I love you, I love you, I love you...

said over and over again, never wanting this moment to end

never thinking we would find each other again.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

My mind rushes forward, my eyes slowly begin to open,

the taste of this kiss still on my lips...

but I was alone in my bed; far from my old hometown...

and as a tear falls down the side of my face, I knew...

It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

Hokens, Edward

August 21, 2017

Edward Hokens, 69, of Waupaca, WI, formerly of Chicago, IL passed away Aug. 16, 2017 at his home.

He was a locksmith for years at JR’s True Value in Waupaca, WI. He took great pride in serving in the US Marines. He received three medals while serving in Vietnam. He had a passion for fishing, woodworking and crosswords. He enjoyed spending time with his family and friends.

He is survived by the love of his life, Kathy Barker, of 27 years; father, Edgar Hokens; brother, Earl (Jean) Hokens and family; daughters: Tabatha (Ansel) Burch, Jill Barker (Donny); Debi (Rick) Webster, Diane (John) Gannon and Tammy Doty; aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, many grandchildren, great-grandchildren and too many friends to list. He was preceded in death by his mother and other family members.

There will be a graveside service Wednesday, Aug. 23, 2017 at 1:00 p.m. at Veterans King Cemetery in King, WI. Luncheon will follow at Waupaca Pub in Waupaca, Wi

The last picture of Ed...plus his obituary....

My heart is broken; my love...

To see this last photo of you...to know that you are no longer here makes me ache 

so hard that even my tears won't fall anymore.

I know you were not my love when you passed; you belonged to Kathy Barker then; but that

doesn't stop me from loving you as I did the day we met.

I made so many mistakes back when you were my husband; mistakes made out of fear...

fear that the abuse would start again...but as they say "hindsight is 20/20"; I know now that it never would have.

Please know that I have loved you since I was 15 years old.....and will always love you.

All I can hope for is that when we meet again in heaven; you will have forgiven the young wife's

fear; and still hold some love for me in your heart.

Rest in Peace; 

May all your painful memories and demons of Vietnam now be put to rest; never

to haunt you again.