I often wonder if I can even be seen or heard by my own husband. I often wonder what it is I am doing wrong to make him ignore me like he does. Funny, but it seems like I've always taken second place in his life; but with five daughters to raise; I didn't even realize that we didn't talk, we didn't laugh, we didn't go anywhere........I was so busy with the kids; who did talk....a lot.....that I never noticed his lack of evolvement in his own family's life.
From 1978; when we first married until we divorced in 2001, he controlled everything......except the things that were a "bother" to him; like paying the bills, keeping track of the bank account; cooking......that was "my" job. Funny; I never realized what a zombie I was; how controlled I was; how "June Cleaver" I was......how much like my mother I was and how much like my father he was.
It wasn't until after my dad passed away....my domineering mother moved to Chicago and my life became more of a living hell. I was never good enough, I never called her enough, I never went to her condo enough; just like when I was a child.......I never respected her enough. But somehow; my husband became a "gem" to her; simply because he drove her to her doctors every week. She never understood my panic attacks; believed them.
Then suddenly, in 1998, everyone left my home; and we became "empty nesters"; and the reality of my existence reflected back at me in the mirror. The lack of affection; the lack of communication, the dominance over me.....and I broke; completely broke down........had a full blown mental breakdown.......the depression set in so deep that I was either in bed or laying on the couch.....didn't eat......just fucking didn't care.; and neither did he.
TO BE CONTINUED AT A LATER DATE
