Is It 2014 Already?

It is true; "Time waits for no one"....it certainly hasn't waited for me.  I look at the last time I wrote in this blog and it amazes me that I've let that much of my life fly by.  I don't think I intended to; it just happened without me even noticing.

Ah, such key words..."without me even noticing".  I realize now that much of this past year or so I've lived under a mist; a fog...deliberatley obscurring my view of the world around me.  I've become somewhat of a hermit; closing myself inside; only coming out on rare occasions.  That hasn't been a bad thing, overall......I needed and still need the retreat; but it has started to become the "norm" and not the "exception".  I am struggling everyday to get out of this "norm"....I know it's not healthly; I've been here before and it nearly killed me; literally.  But, saying the words; or having people tell me "you just have to let it go...the past is the past.....move forward.....forget about the past" does more damage than good.  If you've ever been in a severe depression; you already know that the people saying those things haven't a clue what it's like to be clinically depressed.  Sure; some maybe recovering alcoholics, former drug addicts......but I'm guessing that their hells are very different from clinical depression.  The one thing hat rings the same is that we all need outside help to overcome our illness.  I am very proud of my friends who have fought their demon and won; and continue to win each and everyday......I hope to be among you some day.

I know therapy is out there for me.....been there; done that......but now; it's the cost, the damn insurance company sqaubbles about mental health.  Even though much of the stigma about depression and mental health has turned around.........there is still this little piece, just hanging there; like the last of a scab on a wound.......and it is SO visible to big, heartless insurance companies.  As a result; I don't receive theraphy now. 

Now; all I can do is trust in my God that all things will work out....that He is in control and I am His child.  I can only try to be the best person I can at this time......sending out good karma when I can; believing good karma will be returned to me.  I admit......it's hard; so very hard; since this is an "instant gratification" world.

But, I'm not going to be a quitter......I will keep on the best I can under the circumstances I am in.  All I ask of anyone is to remember me in their prayers or chants or talks with their God.....that is where the answer is; in the spirit.