A Lonely, Lonely Christmas

Little Lost Me

When did Christmas stop being magical and start being so lonely?  I used to love putting the tree up, wrapping the packages; baking all those cookies and breads; filling the house with "Christmas smells". 

All the decorations meant so much to me....now, I feel so little in my heart for any of it.  As a child; it was like magic filled the air, the house; as the days got closer and closer to the Big Day.  I never slept much on Christmas Eve.....after the party at the neighbors, midnight Mass........then bed....with all those sugar plums dancing in my head. 

But as time passed and the child in me grew to an adult; some of the magic faded.  My first Christmas as a wife...at 19 yrs old; was filled with all the love of two young lovers; totally wrapped up in the spirit of Peace and Love.

That didn't last too long....just a couple of years and as the marriage soured; everything in me soured.  All that was left when that marriage ended was the daughter we had and my intense love for her....determined that she would not see me cry and would feel all the excitement a 3 year old should feel.  Santa Clause was real again; and my Christmas was devoted to her.....because there was no Christmas left inside me.

Yes; I married again......and for a brief time, I was happy........gave birth to another beautiful daughter and raised 3 step daughters along with my 2.  But time passes, life gets filled with nonsense things; children grow up; I worked to put them through school, keep a roof over their heads and food on the table.  So mixed up with the "practical", that the "magic" vanished; Christmas became an unwelcome ritual........and love died in my heart for the man whose name I shared.

Now; in 2016; there is no feelings of joy at all.  I'm tired of pretending; of trying to find anything to grasp onto about what Christmas is.  Christmas days are now spent alone with a husband who spends his time in his room watching tv.......and I'm left alone in the living room or at my computer.  The one joy I have are my 3 kitties; who I love so much and they love me unconditionally.  But it's not the same as having a partner who loves me, hugs me, holds me in his arms; and kisses me softly and passionately.

I miss being loved like a woman is loved by a man; especially at Christmas.

Yes, that was me

 

 

I often wonder if I can even be seen or heard by my own husband.  I often wonder what it is I am doing wrong to make him ignore me like he does.  Funny, but it seems like I've always taken second place in his life; but with five daughters to raise; I didn't even realize that we didn't talk, we didn't laugh, we didn't go anywhere........I was so busy with the kids; who did talk....a lot.....that I never noticed his lack of evolvement in his own family's life.

 

From 1978; when we first married until we divorced in 2001, he controlled everything......except the things that were a "bother" to him; like paying the bills, keeping track of the bank account; cooking......that was "my" job. Funny; I never realized what a zombie I was; how controlled I was; how "June Cleaver" I was......how much like my mother I was and how much like my father he was.

 

It wasn't until after my dad passed away....my domineering mother moved to Chicago and my life became more of a living hell.  I was never good enough, I never called her enough, I never went to her condo enough; just like when I was a child.......I never respected her enough.  But somehow; my husband became a "gem" to her; simply because he drove her to her doctors every week.  She never understood my panic attacks; believed them.

 

Then suddenly, in 1998, everyone left my home; and we became "empty nesters"; and the reality of my existence reflected back at me in the mirror.  The lack of affection; the lack of communication, the dominance over me.....and I broke; completely broke down........had a full  blown mental breakdown.......the depression set in so deep that I was either in bed or laying on the couch.....didn't eat......just fucking didn't care.; and neither did he.

 

TO BE CONTINUED AT A LATER DATE

 

 





We are Women, hear us Roar.....

 

Women.
You are not

broken
You are not made of fine china to be handled with kid gloves
You have not shattered because he left
You did not crack because he hurt ...you
His fist cannot take away your worth
You are not his victim
You have not crumbled
You did not crumple like paper when he told you he loved someone else
That he didn't love you
That he couldn't love who you were
Are
Will be.
You are not his paper for him to write his desires and scratch out your faults
Your faults are not his to give you
Your flaws are not his to name
Your face is not his to paint
Too brown
Too white
Too bright
Too dim
Your body is yours
To create within
To feed
To work
To rest
To keep
To give
But not for him to take
You are not the voices in your head
You are not pictures of you
You are not pictures of who you think you should be
You ARE.
You are not broken
Do not let them tell you you are broken
You are
Women.
‪

Love

 

 

 

Thiss is the true measure of love,

when we believe...that no one

could ever have loved so before us;

and that no one will ever love

in the same way after us.

 

You are love to me.

 

 

The water

continually flowed and flowed

and yet it was always there;

it was always the same and yet every

moment it was new.

Always the same, but ever new,

my love for you.

 

 

It's all I have to bring today,

This and my heart beside,

This, and heart and all the fields,

And all the meadows wide...

In love with life, in love with you.

 

Only that day dawns

to which we ar awake,

I found a new world

When I found you.

 

 

Time is...

Too Slow for those who wait

Too shift for those who fear,

Too long for those who grieve,

Too short for those who rejoice;

But for those who love

time is not.

 

Tis what I love

determines how I love.

And I love you...very much.

Taken 'Way Your Brain

 

 

The well is deep

it's so dark inside

Sliding down ain't no carnival ride

no laughing, just screaming

as the final plunge arrives

 

Hit the bottom, grind the gears,

Just can't stop the speeding fears

from closing in,

grabbing the soul-

they've got the control, they've got the hold-

finally strangling their prey's

crashing soul

 

No time to scream, girl;

They've taken away your voice

No time to cry copious tears, girl;

They've taken them away;

Replaced them with forced muteness;

but not by your choice.