Little Lost Me
When did Christmas stop being magical and start being so lonely? I used to love putting the tree up, wrapping the packages; baking all those cookies and breads; filling the house with "Christmas smells".
All the decorations meant so much to me....now, I feel so little in my heart for any of it. As a child; it was like magic filled the air, the house; as the days got closer and closer to the Big Day. I never slept much on Christmas Eve.....after the party at the neighbors, midnight Mass........then bed....with all those sugar plums dancing in my head.
But as time passed and the child in me grew to an adult; some of the magic faded. My first Christmas as a wife...at 19 yrs old; was filled with all the love of two young lovers; totally wrapped up in the spirit of Peace and Love.
That didn't last too long....just a couple of years and as the marriage soured; everything in me soured. All that was left when that marriage ended was the daughter we had and my intense love for her....determined that she would not see me cry and would feel all the excitement a 3 year old should feel. Santa Clause was real again; and my Christmas was devoted to her.....because there was no Christmas left inside me.
Yes; I married again......and for a brief time, I was happy........gave birth to another beautiful daughter and raised 3 step daughters along with my 2. But time passes, life gets filled with nonsense things; children grow up; I worked to put them through school, keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. So mixed up with the "practical", that the "magic" vanished; Christmas became an unwelcome ritual........and love died in my heart for the man whose name I shared.
Now; in 2016; there is no feelings of joy at all. I'm tired of pretending; of trying to find anything to grasp onto about what Christmas is. Christmas days are now spent alone with a husband who spends his time in his room watching tv.......and I'm left alone in the living room or at my computer. The one joy I have are my 3 kitties; who I love so much and they love me unconditionally. But it's not the same as having a partner who loves me, hugs me, holds me in his arms; and kisses me softly and passionately.
I miss being loved like a woman is loved by a man; especially at Christmas.
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