Christmas 2018

The unhappiness that surrounds me this holiday season almost scares me.  I have had many Christmases that haven't been the best; but never one where this cloud of darkness just hoovers over me like the eye of a tornado.

It's quiet right now; but at any moment I can be swept up inside the turbulence, the unending crying will begin; loneliness so deep; a loneliness like I have never felt before.  Just realizing that I will be divorcing sometime after the first of the year crushes me.  

But, I can't take the fighting, yelling; cruelty; deliberate insults anymore.  I can't take the endless nights of sitting across from each other and not speaking a word...or if I do; I'm told I'm holding a monologue.  I can't take his indifference anymore....staring at the TV as I try to engage some type of conversation.

His frustration is due to his cut in pay that he took when Lowes hired him.  But he got himself fired from almost 20 years at Home Depot for being arrogant enough to think that he was indispensable; and decided to use the company computer to print out porn.  And; he did it for over 5 years before being caught, but he was; on April 6, 2015...the day the world ended as I knew it.  Funny thing is; he is not sorry for what he did; only for getting caught.

We had to move this year; Valentine's day, 2018....higher rent; bills he has fallen behind on and all of it get taken out on me...somehow made to be my fault.  Then, about 6 weeks after we moved in, he went back over to the old place and tried to proposition the woman next door to give him a blow job....he cheated on me.  It doesn't matter that she was horrified, called the landlord and the cops; getting him banned forever from that property.

My own health has suffered because of this; physically and emotionally.  Some of the demons that I had successfully conquered years ago have taken up residence in my head again.  I won't get into the particulars; but one of my doctors told me to never expect to hold a job outside the home again.

So, here I am at 66 years old; with a limited monthly income; not enough to leave; impossible to be financially independent; wanting a divorce; and if that happens; I will have to remain living here...and it will kill me.

It's Only A Dream

But It's Only A Dream

So quick, so unexpected, asleep forever, never to open your

blue eyes again

Shock, disbelief, my mind can't accept it

Your voice us fading from my memory...

But grief washes over me like an endless waterfall;

draws me unconscious…into a sleep

I don't welcome.

Darkness, darkness like the darkness of your death

surrounds me.  A light, a light in the distance;

glowing; and your smile pulls me in...

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

You take my hand, holding it the way we used to;

bringing my dream "to life"

Familiar places, a town once known; the town where we met;

we are standing at the stairs of the church where we

two became one.

The apartment once shared, where he held me so close;

so tight like many years ago.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

I felt the warmth of his body drowned myself in the scent of

his neck as I nestled my head there, like so many years ago;

when love was new, love was real, love was ours;

love I let go

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

My face is wet with tears as I softly tell him "I'm sorry, so sorry I left"...

my heart was pulling me one way, my fear was pulling me away;

too young to believe in my heart, so fear won and pulled me

away.

You kissed the tears from my face, telling me there was no sorry;

only love that never ended.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

The old neighborhood, oddly quiet, is where we found ourselves...

trees in full bloom, the sun so warm; hands holding each

other's tight, then arms wrapping around waists,

not letting an inch between us.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

His kisses are warm; passionate, soft; our lips sweet,

our hunger strong  for each other; so strong for each other...

like it had been so many years ago; our bodies becoming

one; loving with a passion that is now only a memory for me.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

The words "I love you, I love you, I love you...

said over and over again, never wanting this moment to end

never thinking we would find each other again.

But It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

My mind rushes forward, my eyes slowly begin to open,

the taste of this kiss still on my lips...

but I was alone in my bed; far from my old hometown...

and as a tear falls down the side of my face, I knew...

It's Only A Dream

Only A Dream

Hokens, Edward

August 21, 2017

Edward Hokens, 69, of Waupaca, WI, formerly of Chicago, IL passed away Aug. 16, 2017 at his home.

He was a locksmith for years at JR’s True Value in Waupaca, WI. He took great pride in serving in the US Marines. He received three medals while serving in Vietnam. He had a passion for fishing, woodworking and crosswords. He enjoyed spending time with his family and friends.

He is survived by the love of his life, Kathy Barker, of 27 years; father, Edgar Hokens; brother, Earl (Jean) Hokens and family; daughters: Tabatha (Ansel) Burch, Jill Barker (Donny); Debi (Rick) Webster, Diane (John) Gannon and Tammy Doty; aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, many grandchildren, great-grandchildren and too many friends to list. He was preceded in death by his mother and other family members.

There will be a graveside service Wednesday, Aug. 23, 2017 at 1:00 p.m. at Veterans King Cemetery in King, WI. Luncheon will follow at Waupaca Pub in Waupaca, Wi

The last picture of Ed...plus his obituary....

My heart is broken; my love...

To see this last photo of you...to know that you are no longer here makes me ache 

so hard that even my tears won't fall anymore.

I know you were not my love when you passed; you belonged to Kathy Barker then; but that

doesn't stop me from loving you as I did the day we met.

I made so many mistakes back when you were my husband; mistakes made out of fear...

fear that the abuse would start again...but as they say "hindsight is 20/20"; I know now that it never would have.

Please know that I have loved you since I was 15 years old.....and will always love you.

All I can hope for is that when we meet again in heaven; you will have forgiven the young wife's

fear; and still hold some love for me in your heart.

Rest in Peace; 

May all your painful memories and demons of Vietnam now be put to rest; never

to haunt you again.

Whether it's logical or illogical; I feel as if all the joy is being sucked out of me; like a vacuum cleaner sucks up dirt.

Perhaps I feel like dirt; under peoples feet; under my family's feet; especially under my husband's feet.  I hate myself right now for allowing myself to be used, abused, disrespected; ordered; and not stopping this behavior...but allowing it because I feel that I deserve it.

From my earliest memories; I remember being told by my parents how different I was from the rest of the family.  At first I didn't take it as anything wrong; but "different"; like apples are different from bananas.  It was only when I began to express myself with different ideas than my parents; that I began to question some of their beliefs that I found out, painfully; what different meant to them....and it wasn't pleasant.

Speaking out loud what I felt about "for colored only", civil rights, the nuns at school and their physical mistreatment of some of my classmates; admiring people whose skin color didn't match mine....all brought down a sledge hammer; smashing me to the ground...shutting my mouth and making me a "silent" child who grew into a "silent" adult around people when I first met them...scoping out whether I was acceptable to them before I opened my mouth.  It made me a good listener and made me a writer.....in numerous spiral notebooks seen by no one but me.

I filled them with all the emotions just waiting to explode out of me.  It was my escape from the outside world that seemed to disapprove of me....it became my fantasy world where the character I created didn't find me offensive; but found me interesting and "liked" me.  My Barbie dolls became "real" to me and lead me into the world I had created.

Once I found rock and roll music; I spent hours in my basement; alone; listening to my growing record collection.  I often would sit with my eyes closed; just letting the music absorb into my brain; breathing it; feeling it; singing it; dancing to it.....making it my own world......but always alone; letting no one else in...too afraid of rejection.  Often I would hear the words screamed "turn that music down"...and I obeyed immediately.  All my teenage years were spent that way...especially after I met the love of my life when I was 15.  He was the ying to my yang....his humor, his easy smile, twinkling blue eyes;  the way he made me laugh without even trying....his bad boy streak; and the way he made me feel absolutely beautiful in his eyes.....it was love at first sight for both of us.

He was my salvation from myself and all my insecurities.  He accepted me for exactly for who I was; loved me with all my imperfections...even found the slight gap in my bottom teeth endearing.  And, I loved him exactly the same way....

But even the letters he sent me from Vietnam I had to hide; because I found out my mother would go through my private things....reading some of his letters to me.  I quickly learned to hide them where she would never find them.

We were married for 6 years; the last three we fought the demons he brought home from Vietnam and finally had to divorce.  But ever all the years after the divorce; we remained friends.  He passed from this world on August 15, 2017; taking a piece of my heart with him....a piece that was his from the day we met....even though he found happiness with someone else; he always had and always will have my love.  Unfortunately; I didn't find the same happiness he did.....but that is a story for another day.

Forever in my Heart

My heart shattered in a million pieces the day I found out God took you home, 

my First Love.

The pieces were scattered  on the ground around my feet; surrounding me; as I bent to carefully pick them up and painstakingly tried to reconnect the now shallow beating pieces.

But one was missing...I searched everywhere...the only piece I couldn't find...and my eyes slowly felt the tears beginning to fall..

I shook my fist at God and cried "Haven't You taken enough away from me?  Must You leave my heart forever broken and missing a piece?"

When out of nowhere, I heard a familiar voice filling my head...your voice.  "You haven't lost a piece of that loving heart, silly goose; that's the piece I picked up before I made the final cross over and hold in my heart; holding your love for me safe until we see each other again when we can put the pieces back together; reuniting our hearts as one; my love to your love; your  love to my love...a love that survived all that was thrown at it; even though we had to part our separate ways for a short time.  You, silly goose, were my first love; and don't you know that the magic of "first loves" never die?

I fell to my knees, but not in grief, although that will never end; but in peace, laughter; the laughter that I was yours; and happiness; now positive you are at peace...finally at peace from what Vietnam left in your memories.

Rest in Peace, my love; be with all those who have gone before you and who you cherished during your time here on earth; but make sure you save a place for me and please be there to take me once more in your arms as we did when we first met; when my time comes to cross over the veil....