Whether it's logical or illogical; I feel as if all the joy is being sucked out of me; like a vacuum cleaner sucks up dirt.

Perhaps I feel like dirt; under peoples feet; under my family's feet; especially under my husband's feet.  I hate myself right now for allowing myself to be used, abused, disrespected; ordered; and not stopping this behavior...but allowing it because I feel that I deserve it.

From my earliest memories; I remember being told by my parents how different I was from the rest of the family.  At first I didn't take it as anything wrong; but "different"; like apples are different from bananas.  It was only when I began to express myself with different ideas than my parents; that I began to question some of their beliefs that I found out, painfully; what different meant to them....and it wasn't pleasant.

Speaking out loud what I felt about "for colored only", civil rights, the nuns at school and their physical mistreatment of some of my classmates; admiring people whose skin color didn't match mine....all brought down a sledge hammer; smashing me to the ground...shutting my mouth and making me a "silent" child who grew into a "silent" adult around people when I first met them...scoping out whether I was acceptable to them before I opened my mouth.  It made me a good listener and made me a writer.....in numerous spiral notebooks seen by no one but me.

I filled them with all the emotions just waiting to explode out of me.  It was my escape from the outside world that seemed to disapprove of me....it became my fantasy world where the character I created didn't find me offensive; but found me interesting and "liked" me.  My Barbie dolls became "real" to me and lead me into the world I had created.

Once I found rock and roll music; I spent hours in my basement; alone; listening to my growing record collection.  I often would sit with my eyes closed; just letting the music absorb into my brain; breathing it; feeling it; singing it; dancing to it.....making it my own world......but always alone; letting no one else in...too afraid of rejection.  Often I would hear the words screamed "turn that music down"...and I obeyed immediately.  All my teenage years were spent that way...especially after I met the love of my life when I was 15.  He was the ying to my yang....his humor, his easy smile, twinkling blue eyes;  the way he made me laugh without even trying....his bad boy streak; and the way he made me feel absolutely beautiful in his eyes.....it was love at first sight for both of us.

He was my salvation from myself and all my insecurities.  He accepted me for exactly for who I was; loved me with all my imperfections...even found the slight gap in my bottom teeth endearing.  And, I loved him exactly the same way....

But even the letters he sent me from Vietnam I had to hide; because I found out my mother would go through my private things....reading some of his letters to me.  I quickly learned to hide them where she would never find them.

We were married for 6 years; the last three we fought the demons he brought home from Vietnam and finally had to divorce.  But ever all the years after the divorce; we remained friends.  He passed from this world on August 15, 2017; taking a piece of my heart with him....a piece that was his from the day we met....even though he found happiness with someone else; he always had and always will have my love.  Unfortunately; I didn't find the same happiness he did.....but that is a story for another day.