Foolish Fantasy

This is exactly what I need right now.  Sure the kitten is just a



fantasy; but sometimes that is all I have to hold on to.

I wish it were real; I wish fantasies became realities;

But, that is just dreaming; and a dream is a wish your

heart makes; sometimes foolishly.

Just call me a "Hopeless Romantic"

This does seem to be true; for me

 

 

 

I am finding this out to be so very true.  Love is a word that is so very over used;

has so many meanings; Love is different things, a different emotion a different feeling

for everyone.  All types of Love is sweet, is beautiful; but it is that special love between

a man and a woman; a love that binds their souls for life, a passion that never dies;

just "adjusts" over time; that most of us want the most.

 

I had it once; and it was so beautiful it took my breathe away; it took my heart away...

but it didn't last, no fault to blame; it just couldn't last in the direction it took.

I thought I had found it again; but, after all these years; I've become wise enough

to know that I am not "in love" with the man who is my husband...I love him; but

not in the way marriage should love.

He rescued me from a horrible situation; he gave me a home, he raised my

daughter like she was his own; he helped give US a beautiful daughter; and he

trusted me to raise his three girls.

But "in love" was not there; just "grateful love"....and it makes me sad...

for  him and for me



I'm a Survivor??



 

 

 

I have seen this "Mantra" so many times; maybe the words are a little different, but each one means the same thing.....that I am not a victim of the horror I've been through; but a survivor, just because I didn't die?

I question this logic all the time.  I think we always remain "part victim" of our past abuse and painful circumstances.  The thing that makes us "survivors" is the fact that we choose to perceive OURSELVES differently......to make the role of "victim" the minor character in the screenplay of our lives and the role of "survivor" as the main character.

The victim will always remain....it can never go away; the abuse that happened can't magically "not" have happened.....but, as I am trying so hard to learn; I am rearranging the baggage of abuse and pain and making it easier to be that "survivor" not controlled by the past any longer.  Will I succeed?  Only time will tell..........

 

Will You Understand?

 

 

I came across this quote and realized it spoke right to my heart.

So many times I have sat in silence around others; smiling politely at the appropriate times, but knowing that the real reason I am so quiet isn't because I have nothing to say; but just afraid if I say what I am really thinking; people will totally misunderstand the position I'm coming from, the true meaning of my thoughts and words.

Too many times in the past I have spoken my truth; and those who were listening....just stopped listening because they didn't like or perhaps didn't agree with my point of view; so I became the "misunderstood outcast" with a few; and that hurt has stayed with me....I don't want to feel it again.

I am smart, quick witted, funny, serious, opinionated and having an enormous loving heart....but a lot of people just don't understand me.  Even my parents didn't understand me as I was growing up.  My mom would often laugh and say that she wondered if they gave her the right baby from the hospital nursery; because I was so different from them.

I am ME....just me.



Trying to Be Strong...

I have been trying very hard to implement this "mantra" into my life; but I have to admit it certainly isn't easy.

 

Everyone seems to have an "opinion" of how I should be, what I should say, how I should act...and heaven forbid if I ever say "NO" to something.  But, I am beginning on this path, this journey of self exploration with "baby steps"; but they are moving me forward in my quest; not backward.  Too many times I have just given up; lost my will; lost the strength; but now this time...this time....I SHALL SUCCEED.

 

 

 



Alone in a Crowed Room

I have felt this feeling so often;

I'm in the middle of a crowded room, but no one sees

me

no one hears me; no one even is aware that

I'm here.

I scream; "Please, someone see  me, hear me....

Look, I'm here; I'm not invisible!!!

Wait; but maybe I am to them; to others; to my

husband

I sit all evening in the same room with him;

try to talk to him; but I get "shushed"

because he's watching TV;

then I look over at him;

and he is asleep.

The ultimate "alone".

 

 

The whispers............

How well I know this feeling...

Always having to be there for everyone else;

People, Family pulling me this way and that way;

Or, not talking at all; silence.

I am trying to stop listening to the world's voice everyday;

and start listening to MY heart; as brushed as it is;

as broken it has been; but as happy as it has been, too.

 

So, here's to the lessons of my heart and may I continue

to listen closely; because the heart never screams, it always

whispers...