It's just another Christmas

 



 

It's another Christmas Eve; so many have passed through my life now.  I'm watching the "Hallmark Channel" and all their lovely, happily ever after movies.......in my living room; by myself.

 

I've spent many years alone now during the holidays, even though my husband is here; he has been sleeping for hours now.  There are no lights outside, making things bright on my condo; their are no presents under the tree this year, there is no mistletoe, no kisses,  there is no passion to spark my eyes..........just a beautiful tree; given to me by a wonderful Christmas angel.

 

I miss the Christmas's when I was in love, held hands, stole kisses, went to midnight mass with that "someone special",  woke up next to him; and saw love reflected in  his eyes, a look that made me melt.  I miss being hugged so tight my ribs hurt and not wanting it to stop.

 

But that stopped many, many holidays ago.....I'm 63 now; and haven't had that for over 25 years.  Like John Lennon said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"........and my life changed into "lonely".

 

I'm so lonely, so very lonely..............

 



Peace

 

 



 

 

She's The Girl



Strength, Serenity and Tranquility

 

 

 



~ MAY YOU ALWAYS FIND WHAT YOU NEED ~
May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.
May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.
~ Author Unknown

Words I can Never Say.....

 

 

Truth...

   “ I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies. ”

 

How true this is

 

If only I could say those words.....

but I can never



I Thought We Knew Each Other???

 

I have just learned this lesson, very painfully;

losing a friend I admired so much.

I am so very sad; I thought I knew better;

but I obviously don't know how to

read people very well.

 

 

"Little Miss No Name".......me

 

"Little Miss No Name"

Funny; that when I was young; I asked for this doll;

almost like I knew that I would one day in my future become her.

That time has come over and over again ; and is upon me now.

My world has been turned upside down, crushed; and stomped my

identity into the ground.....so that now I feel like

"Little Miss No Name"

once again

"Sorry"???

 

 

 

 

 

How Well I am learning this lesson, right now; right here and with my own

 

husband.

 

He has said he's "Sorry" so many time during the last 3 weeks; and perhaps

one day I will believe him;

but I don't think I will ever "Trust" him the way I

once did......he smashed it to bits....

Someday....?

 

 

 

 



You Changed My Life Forever

 

 

This man; this wonderful, sweet, complex, confused, angry,

loving, witty, peace loving, womanizer;

genius musician, writer, artist;

frightened, "little boy";

this "Working Class Hero"

changed my life forever...

And I will be forever grateful to him

for being the complicated, loving man

that he is.

All My Loving, John Lennon



 

It's My Birthday....

 

 

 

 

They say it's my birthday;

well, Happy Birthday to me...

 

It's my 63rd birthday...

Thank you, Lord; for one more year

to get things right...



Heart Prints

 

Something I try very hard to do; but I have to

admit that I'm not always successful

But, at the times that I am; it is so

rewarding to see the smile on a stranger's face

No Strings

 

 

 

Anyone who knows me; knows that THIS IS me.

Anyone who wants to know me; must accept that

THIS IS ME.



You Are Not Allowed....

 

 

I hope all the "takers" in my life read this;



and know that I WILL NOT do this

anymore;

I have to take care of myself; nuture myself,

heal myself; not be fucking around

trying to keep you on track

Now, stand aside....this woman is

taking control of her life;

so your days of ripping me to shreds

IS OVER

Careful How Long You Take to Decide

 

 

Turn your attitude on me one too many times

and you will turn around and find me

Gone...





Gone To Explore New Galaxies......Safe travels; Rest In Peace, Leonard

 

 



Wanting Something Real

 

 

 

 

Boy, does this say it for me...

All so true....still learning; still learning



It's all a pretense; a mask worn to perfection

 

 

 

 

This quote is one I have read over and over;

marveling at it's accuracy; it's "in your face"

truth.

I am one of those this quote speaks of.

People have told me I wear my heart on my sleeve;

but what they don't see is the clever "cover up"

of the despair behind the smile,

the tears behind the laughter.

That is deliberate....

That is my choice; my secret, my world.

Live Long and Prosper

 

Beautiful words; written by a beautiful man

Rest in Peace, Leonard...

May the angels sing your songs

and

May we all learn to

Live Long And Prosper

You are missed...

 

 



The Eye Of The Storm

Please let this be true; because it isn't "calm" in

the eye of the storm...everything is whirling

around; hitting me, battering me;

the eye of the storm is horrible.

May God bless me and make sure that I'm

NOT

the same person who got caught in this storm.

May this  pass, as all things must....





The same Hell

 

These words speak volumes t0 me....

Even though I know that I have defeated some of my

devils

I also am not naïve enough to think they are all gone...

No; those that are left are just waiting.....waiting

waiting......



Acceptance....

 

It is important to acknowledge and accept your past;

but you can never leave it behind you...it happened and that

can't be changed~~ever.   But, what I can change is the way I now

react to my horrifiying past .  No, it is not a "learning"

lesson...it was a literal living hell while it was

happening.  But my soul must remember that many years

have past now...it is over now; my abusers are gone now..

So, I am learning to give myself permission to accept

what happened to me; but not accept the pain anymore.

I choose "Happiness"

Dreams and Realities

 

 

I can't say that I have been afraid to dream; little dreams

big dreams; seemingly impossible dreams;

yet I have Dreamed and dreamed big...

But what I have been afraid of is letting others "in" on my dreams;

So often, when I have; my dreams have been shoot down;

ridiculed, and told how ridiculous I am...

 

But as I have grown  older, and I hope wiser, I have come

to know that those fragile "movies in my mind"; my

dreams can become miracles..



Don't Wait

 

 

As each year of my life increases in number;

I am really trying to keep this

burned in my

memory;

 

After all; I don't really know how much more time

God

is granting me on this earth; and I realize I've

waited WAY TOO long to

live....



The Wave....

 

Never, Never forget that the simplest kindness from a stranger,

from you;

could save someone's life....

 

A simple wave to a stranger....





You just try and judge me....

 

 

 

Something I am realizing more and more as each year of my life

passes by.

Too many years were wasted foolishly; worrying about what

other people would think of the way I look, the way I walk,

my political views, my passion for peace; my love for

The Beatles...

But, with age comes wisdom; and now, at 62; anyone who feels

they have to judge me, "the never grown up hippie"; can just

take a long walk off a short pier.

I am ME, and THAT is exactly the way I like it.



The Face of True Frienship

 

 

This is the face of a true friend; a friend who will drop everything

when someone calls him for help;

A friend who defines the word "friendship", who

truly knows what that word means.

 

I am so proud to be his friend, and so humbled that he has included

me in his circle of friends.

 

Much Love to You....

1. 

Waiting, Waiting, but no more....time to put up or shut up

 

 

A mantra, I guess; or maybe just lessons being

learned

 

Lessons of Life I don't really want to learn....

 

 

 

I am really learning this lesson the very

hard way.....experience sure

sucks...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



I Miss You Still.....

 

I have done this more than anyone can ever know.

 

I hold the picture in my hand; close my eyes;

and I can almost smell the sweetness; feel the softness;

hear the gentle breathing...

Then I open my eyes,

and the fantasy has vanished like a ghost

 





All You Need is Love

 

 

 

 

Oh; I think we all know this one much too well.

 

Why are people so quick to believe the nasty gossip spoken about you;

than any truth that you speck about yourself?

Why do people relish in the wickedness and not the

kindness about another?

 

Why is it so hard for people to accept a beautiful, courageous

act of selflessness done to or for them;

but find it so easy to accept the back stabbing and viper whispers?

 

We are indeed a strange species...the only ones who

hurt each other like we do; just because we cannot

find it in our hearts to love

ourselves...

 

LOVE IS THE ANSWER



Done being confused, used and abused....

 

 

I WILL believe this one day very soon.

Then, anyone who has used me, abused me, taken me for

granted will see themselves reflected back in the mirrors

of my eyes.

They will see that didn't break me; didn't destroy my

self-esteem with their selfish wants and "needs"

I AM ME, CHERYL; a woman to be respected

and WORTHY of love, not just lust...

 

Read it, believe it; and know that

I survived your "excuses", your "sweet talk"

I survive all of you....

 



Foolish Fantasy

This is exactly what I need right now.  Sure the kitten is just a



fantasy; but sometimes that is all I have to hold on to.

I wish it were real; I wish fantasies became realities;

But, that is just dreaming; and a dream is a wish your

heart makes; sometimes foolishly.

Just call me a "Hopeless Romantic"

This does seem to be true; for me

 

 

 

I am finding this out to be so very true.  Love is a word that is so very over used;

has so many meanings; Love is different things, a different emotion a different feeling

for everyone.  All types of Love is sweet, is beautiful; but it is that special love between

a man and a woman; a love that binds their souls for life, a passion that never dies;

just "adjusts" over time; that most of us want the most.

 

I had it once; and it was so beautiful it took my breathe away; it took my heart away...

but it didn't last, no fault to blame; it just couldn't last in the direction it took.

I thought I had found it again; but, after all these years; I've become wise enough

to know that I am not "in love" with the man who is my husband...I love him; but

not in the way marriage should love.

He rescued me from a horrible situation; he gave me a home, he raised my

daughter like she was his own; he helped give US a beautiful daughter; and he

trusted me to raise his three girls.

But "in love" was not there; just "grateful love"....and it makes me sad...

for  him and for me



I'm a Survivor??



 

 

 

I have seen this "Mantra" so many times; maybe the words are a little different, but each one means the same thing.....that I am not a victim of the horror I've been through; but a survivor, just because I didn't die?

I question this logic all the time.  I think we always remain "part victim" of our past abuse and painful circumstances.  The thing that makes us "survivors" is the fact that we choose to perceive OURSELVES differently......to make the role of "victim" the minor character in the screenplay of our lives and the role of "survivor" as the main character.

The victim will always remain....it can never go away; the abuse that happened can't magically "not" have happened.....but, as I am trying so hard to learn; I am rearranging the baggage of abuse and pain and making it easier to be that "survivor" not controlled by the past any longer.  Will I succeed?  Only time will tell..........

 

Will You Understand?

 

 

I came across this quote and realized it spoke right to my heart.

So many times I have sat in silence around others; smiling politely at the appropriate times, but knowing that the real reason I am so quiet isn't because I have nothing to say; but just afraid if I say what I am really thinking; people will totally misunderstand the position I'm coming from, the true meaning of my thoughts and words.

Too many times in the past I have spoken my truth; and those who were listening....just stopped listening because they didn't like or perhaps didn't agree with my point of view; so I became the "misunderstood outcast" with a few; and that hurt has stayed with me....I don't want to feel it again.

I am smart, quick witted, funny, serious, opinionated and having an enormous loving heart....but a lot of people just don't understand me.  Even my parents didn't understand me as I was growing up.  My mom would often laugh and say that she wondered if they gave her the right baby from the hospital nursery; because I was so different from them.

I am ME....just me.



Trying to Be Strong...

I have been trying very hard to implement this "mantra" into my life; but I have to admit it certainly isn't easy.

 

Everyone seems to have an "opinion" of how I should be, what I should say, how I should act...and heaven forbid if I ever say "NO" to something.  But, I am beginning on this path, this journey of self exploration with "baby steps"; but they are moving me forward in my quest; not backward.  Too many times I have just given up; lost my will; lost the strength; but now this time...this time....I SHALL SUCCEED.

 

 

 



Alone in a Crowed Room

I have felt this feeling so often;

I'm in the middle of a crowded room, but no one sees

me

no one hears me; no one even is aware that

I'm here.

I scream; "Please, someone see  me, hear me....

Look, I'm here; I'm not invisible!!!

Wait; but maybe I am to them; to others; to my

husband

I sit all evening in the same room with him;

try to talk to him; but I get "shushed"

because he's watching TV;

then I look over at him;

and he is asleep.

The ultimate "alone".

 

 

The whispers............

How well I know this feeling...

Always having to be there for everyone else;

People, Family pulling me this way and that way;

Or, not talking at all; silence.

I am trying to stop listening to the world's voice everyday;

and start listening to MY heart; as brushed as it is;

as broken it has been; but as happy as it has been, too.

 

So, here's to the lessons of my heart and may I continue

to listen closely; because the heart never screams, it always

whispers...