Why am I crying?

Endless tears just keep falling;

sadness overwhelms me in ways that feel so permanent

I don't even know why I'm crying; why they won't stop.

I should be somewhat happy; yet happiness

eludes me like a ghost unseen.

My feelings of sadness are so deep; slipping me deep

down my well of hell....and I don't know why.

It has been a long time since I have felt this helpless...

this hopeless; this sadness; this depression.

Have I really forgotten how to smile 

and only remember how to cry?

Have I really lost what love I had in my life

and remember only pain?

Oh heart, deceitful heart; why do you torment me so?

My heart; oh heart; where have you tossed the love

I once had known?

I yearn to be loved like the desert yearns for water

I yearn to be loved like the child without a mother

I yearn to be loved like a woman by a man

who sees me for who I am, not what I can

do

My arms are so empty, and longed to be filled

with the tender embrace of a man 

a man who is in love with me; the good and the bad

the perfect and the imperfect

who accepts me and can see no other before me

a man who puts me first in his life; as I put him first in mine

isn't that how love is suppose to be?

Please God; fill the emptiness that is me

fill the heart that is crushed

God, I pray thee; send me the love You have

always meant for me

Hear my desperation; hear my prayer, my plea;

for without you, none of this can be.

I will die without love, unconditional love; 

I will die

The Dreams are Over

My heart is breaking, my tears fall freely over the  events of this day.  How can something so wonderful turn so horrible in a matter of minutes?  How can love turn to hate in the snap of a finger?

I have been on this planet 65 years and have done nothing of any significance...fulfilled none of MY dreams and aspirations.  I have given all for everyone else's needs; although I'm sure some of them don't think that way.  They will never know all that I have freely given up so their dreams would become realities.

Now for the very first time; one of my dreams is becoming real; and a person I love so dearly cannot accept the fact that all of my time is devoted to making it a reality.  I never, never meant to hurt him; but he says he is so disappointed in me........to the point of yelling at me and saying the most awful things to me.......about me.

I know that I will never be good enough, have never been good enough for anyone in my life; and that was proven to me tonight.  Sleep will evade me this night......tears will find their way to my pillow most of this night.  How could I ever believe the cycle of  domineering and controlling men in my life would ever be broken.  I have learned my lesson well.  To do as I am told; to have no opinions of my own or pursuits of my own...to only do the will of  others.  It has been this way since I was a child and it continues still.

I have been verbally taken down.........I don't know my way up.  I have been dragged down into my well of hell; left to rot, left to die.  I don't know how to crawl out this time and the truth is; I don't really want to.  Staying here means that I will be a burden to no one.  This is where I belong until  death comes to take me home.